The Masturbating Mullet

I was on the 1 train headed south at 8am on Monday. I was sitting with my left side to the wall of the train, focusing on my iPod, sifting through songs for my wedding playlist, and I noticed a 30-something short man with this awful mullet (I know, mullet’s are awful to begin with, but this one was as awful as they can get) standing in front of me, with his back to the wall, reading this really odd newspaper with photos of women in their lingerie gracing the cover. Nothing interesting there, so I turn back to the iPod, until I notice movement in front of me. I look up, and my first thought was, “what IS that thing hanging out of that guy’s pants? And why’s he rubbing it so ferociously?” That’s how not street smart I am—growing up in Pittsburgh, I never need to be suspicious of things like this. He had blocked the view of everyone else on the car (including children), with that nasty newspaper, but so graciously allowed me to look at what he was doing, and, as if to add eve more creepiness to the scenario, he winked at me. I was in mortified shock, and not knowing what else to do, stood up quickly and moved to the other end of the car. Someone else took my seat, but by that point, he had covered everything back up with that infamous newspaper. Looking back on it, I could have kicked him where it counts, but that probably wouldn’t have been the smartest thing. I could have told someone, but with kids on the car, I didn’t want a fight to break out. I would have called the cops if I had cell phone reception. I would have told an MTA person if there had been one at the Houston stop where I got off. I feel like we need a primer on exactly what to do when something like this happens. Submitted by Caitlin